If you are here because you've experienced a narcissistic discard, you are questioning if you are in a relationship with a disordered person, ready or leaving an abusive relationship, or you have left and you're in the fog between leaving and healing, I want you to know, you are not alone in your journey. I have been in this place and so have countless others that are alive and thriving today. The heartbreak, pain and confusion are difficult to navigate because they are internal experiences. These feelings are ours alone and must be felt fully to be healed. While we are alone in our internal experience, we are not alone on the journey. There are millions who have been on this path and there are incredible communities and support groups as well as experts who share tools and guidance for recovery.
One of the most important realizations in my own recovery was that the best parts of me, my empathy, love, loyalty, and selflessness, were exploited in a cycle of "drain and gain." Disordered people didn't learn self-love or how to fill up their own cups as children and are constantly seeking love and admiration outside of themselves. Their traumatic childhood experiences created a coping personality or massive ego to interface with the world and have their needs met. Because their early childhood experiences taught them they were unsafe, unprotected and love is conditional, they learned to manipulate and have their needs met in unhealthy ways. They didn't get to feel safe, have secure attachments, learn to appropriately express feelings or develop empathy. There are many schools of thought on these conditions and some emerging treatments show promise but the likelihood of a disordered person getting help and recovering is highly unlikely. What is unclear is why some people have this experience and become empathic caretakers and some become their abusers.
Love is something I have that the disordered people in my life do not have access to because they have been divorced from their true selves for so long. I am so grateful for my capacity for love and my deepest commitment to myself is to never allow my heart to be jaded by painful experiences. To continue living with a loving, open, compassionate heart in spite of the painful lessons. My abusers may never have access to authentic love, empathy or self-regulation. As soon as I accepted this prognosis, I was able to focus my greatest assets, love, empathy and loyalty, on myself towards my own healing and outcome. Focusing on myself was uncomfortable at first but necessary since most of the relationship was spent responding to the cycles of drama, neediness, moods, neglect, and disastrous choices (and impacts) of my partner. It required a lot of my energy to constantly push back against gaslighting, manipulation and abuse. After the relationship ended, I used the energy I was no longer exhausting to create health in my life. I started hiking and riding my bike. I began journaling every day and put all of my daily thoughts and feelings on paper which allowed me an outlet for the things I didn't feel comfortable talking about or saying out loud. I also found a few books helpful during this first phase, specifically, books around understanding narcissistic abuse, discard and manipulation tactics. Acceptance doesn't mean I was not still struggling, but I did accept the only person I could fix is myself and that it was my good traits that attracted this person. In addition to professional counseling (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Somatic Experiencing), I found helpful self-paced courses on DailyOm and Reiki/Pranic healing to be very helpful in transmuting heavy feelings. I began easy mindfulness practices like yoga, meditation and prayer. I strengthened my healthy, supportive relationships.
After I arrived at acceptance and focused on what I can control, I began to examine why I attracted this experience.
I was raised in a home with a disordered parent, that alone made me more likely to end up in at least one adult relationship with a disordered person. Why? Because I learned at a young age that I was responsible for the feelings and behaviors of my disordered parent. Is that true? No, But as a young child, when my Father lost his temper because, as in this example I provided previously, I was playing with a toy that was aggravating him, he then lashed out at me physically, grabbing me by the throat and choking me,. My young mind interpreted that to mean he is angry because I am playing too loudly. I should be quiet so he can be happy. If he is happy, I will feel safe. The truth is, he was responsible for his feelings and unable to control his behavior. It wasn't me or the toy, or anything outside of himself. Experiences like this one repeated throughout my childhood and reinforced my subconscious belief that I am responsible for the feelings of others. Once I was able to identify this, I was able to begin the work of learning to observe the feelings of others without making myself responsible. I began to explore Jungian shadow work, and found the work of Sheleana Aiyana of Rising Woman to be helpful. I took explorative classes with the amazing Jane Cunningham, creator of Facing the Minataur. I began to create as a way to express feelings. I began to revisit my spirituality.
Acceptance, support, physical exercise, mindfulness, learning, expression and self-love strengthened me so I could start examining the deeper questions and understand my Experience. Looking at the relationship objectively, my partner had a deep unconscious cycle that drained me of lifeforce through constant neediness, conflict, drama, exploited my love, empathy, and money, all to gain perceived power, control, and obedience to insure a constant supply and that I would never leave. But the cycle depleted what he sought, my happiness and energy, and once there was no use or promise of control, I had no value. I had childhood wounds of not good enough, unworthy, unloveable and responsible that were, at first, exploited to gain my trust and love, then when affection was withdrawn or I was triangulated with other, the wound was exploited to hurt me and I responded by care-taking, chasing, over-pleasing, and trying to achieve perfection or worthiness because validation was external to me. We were an unfortunate energetic match. I was able to recognize the wounds I needed to heal. Love, validation and belonging must first be found within. I then began to change how I talk to myself. The book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay helped me create a profound shift in the way I talk to myself.
This brings me to the next step in my work. Learning to recognize manipulation so that I don't fall for it again. There are things I overlooked from the start that should have been red flags...
Love-Bombing and Idealization - This can take many shapes and is designed to make you feel special and indispensable. It begins with obsessive love and compliments "I've never met anyone like you" "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." "We have so much in common." "We're so much alike." and the "pain" of separation..."I need to see you" "I miss you" "I'm lost without you" These are admissions not compliments. They do in fact need you. They are unable to be alone by themselves. They are lost without external validation. Neediness presents like finding ways to control your time - "I need help with..." "I need you here" and "Tell me what to do" made me feel I was needed but it's a sign of things to come. They are testing your selflessness.
Triangulation - this first appears as "You are so nice. My ex was mean" or "You are so helpful, my ex was lazy" and this is used to make the target feel they are better than the past partner. Eventually, this will be used to make you feel less. In my case, my partner placed his attention on others and began ignoring or shaming me. Triangulation also looks like "We agree you exaggerate" "Everyone knows you're crazy" or "We think you are...." Adding a third party or others to a conversation or relationship to make you feel outnumbered. The fact is, this is a tactic of self-perseverance the disordered person uses to counter the truth. For example, I need people to think you exaggerate or are crazy so they don't believe you when you tell them what happened, or I need the focus to be on your reaction (jealousy) rather than my behavior (womanizing, cheating, flirting, etc)
Fear - disordered people use fear inducing tactics to insure you never feel safe and secure. One of the unusual complaints consistent among survivors of Narcissistic abuse is dangerous, erratic driving while you're in the passenger seat (but not when others are on board). There are other ways to induce fear such as physical threats, triangulation with other women (threats to the relationship), volatility, and valid concerns around viability of money and housing (if this is something they have a lot of control over). If you are afraid, you override one very important system necessary to making good decisions... your intuition.
The Harem - speaking of triangulation, there is a consistent feature is NPD and that is the Harem. The group of ex-lovers or partners that admire the Narcissist because they never left the idealization phase. They never saw them without the mask. They remain a message away any time esteem is needed. The members of the harem are unaware of each other and continue to feel "special" when they receive attention however, they are being used for gain. Discovering messages of this nature can cause esteem and trust issues and chances are really, really good if you confront your partner, you will end up being the perpetrator because you are "jealous" or the focus will be on your "low self esteem" rather than the cause.
Gaslighting and Lying - if you are honest, you assume others are. The most erosive effects of abuse I experienced were from gaslighting. Nearly every intuition I had was correct. Nearly everything I witnessed was accurate. Any time I confronted my partner about another woman, message, cruelty, he responded by saying "that's not what happened" "you're crazy" "she's just a friend" or "what happened is...." (telling me what I experienced. Because of cognitive dissonance, I began to doubt what I was experiencing, believed I was crazy, and couldn't trust my own eyes and ears. I began recording conversations so I could navigate my experience. When I return to those, I can't believe how disordered my own thinking had become.
Abuse - I experienced the whole array of abuse. Love is not abusive. Period. If you are in a relationship where this is a component, get help for yourself so that you can repair your esteem, be your own advocate, and most important, be safe. Familiarize yourself with all of the ways abuse show up in a relationship: psychological, physical, financial, sexual, neglect, and emotional. Abuse is part of the devaluation phase.
Withdrawal of Affection or Intermittent Reinforcement - withdrawing love and affection, need for "alone time" to maintain a sense of unease and chasing. If any tactic goes too far and you're still of use, the love-bombing or idealization phase will begin again. In NPD this is called "Hoovering"
Isolation - demanding so much of your time and attention that your cup is empty for nourishing relationships. I recognize that I put my partner's needs above my own and this was something I chose. I wanted him to be happy and ease his stress so I kept taking on more responsibilities until I had little time left for what makes me feel connected and alive. My partner kept his social activities but if there was something I wanted to do, it was either a very big deal or he would create a huge blowup just before leaving so that I would cancel because I was emotionally distraught or crying.
Lack of Empathy - it is inevitable in a relationship like this that you will need care and it is highly unlikely you will receive it. I was going through a really hard time and needed to talk out my feelings with my partner. Not only did he freeze me out he used the opportunity to triangulate me with female friends he was lending an ear to because they're going through tough times.
Chances are pretty good that you ended up in this relationship because you were groomed to be in this relationship as a child. If you were raised by at least one parent with a personality disorder, you are more likely to end up in at least one adult relationship with a disordered person. This is true for me however, I was in a relationship for 22 years without this dynamic too. This cycle can be very, very difficult to see and equally difficult to break. This is a process that continues to unfold for me and I know myself better with each layer that I peel back. What I am about to say is very controversial and if you are really early in the journey, you might not be ready to hear this but, leaving or experiencing a discard is likely the first step towards healing something at a deep level that has been in the subconscious most of your life. It is also the opportunity to break the cycle, heal the initial wounding and step into a better, stronger, wise, more intuitive, loving, authentic and whole version of yourself.
Reclaiming your mind and loving yourself will be the hardest job you've ever had and also, the most rewarding. You can heal your life.
Comments