In late October 2019, I was in the discard phase after several years of worsening abuse. I mentioned this in my first blog post. It was a very painful, confusing, and isolating time in my life. It’s not the horror of the experience I want to share (or relive) but, rather, how I reconnected with the magic of the Universe and found my way out of the dark and back to the light.
In October, Mitch consulted a divorce attorney and we separated in house moving into separate bedrooms. In January, we agreed I would stay in the house and he would set up living quarters in the business we had managed together until we achieved a separation agreement. During this time, I took leave from work and made good use of my days. On the recommendations of my therapist, I began reading books on abuse recovery, joined a support group, enrolled in therapeutic courses, and incorporated mindfulness practices like meditation and yoga into my self-care routine. I can’t begin to explain what it’s like to re-order your mind after psychological abuse. I had experienced and become accustomed to living with hyper criticism, fear-mongering, and threats from the moment my feet hit the ground every morning and then, when I had nothing more to give (literally), was thrown away like garbage. Even though I started to understand the mechanics of the discard and how this type of abuse erodes the mind and creates confusion like a dense fog, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was spiritually sick. Like, my soul was sick. I don’t know how else to describe it. I began researching alternative therapies like energy and body work. At one point I found a local healing center and went through the list of provider names stopping at one photo that stood out for a moment. Shmuel Merimi. That pause over the name felt like a hunch but I didn’t follow through. I didn’t trust my intuition after all. I didn’t trust, period.
There was a pinpoint moment that changed everything. The moment I followed an intuitive pull that launched me on this magical healing journey.
February 7th, 2020, I reached a point of desperation and frustration with my recovery progress. I was ready for spiritual help. Something jogged my memory and I remembered a year earlier, meeting Rowynn Moon, an alternative healer who incorporates intuitive shamanism into her massage and body pracitice (or vice versa). I felt a strong “nudge” to reach out to her. So, I sent her a message.
“How do I make an appointment with you?”
She replied, “What kind of work do you want to do?” and I didn’t know how to answer. I wanted to tell her about the abuse, discard, the work I’m doing to re-order my mind, sleeplessness, confusion, hopelessness, and my belief my soul was sick. But all I could answer is “I don’t know quite how to say this…”
She invited me to call her.
I did.
I told her what I had experienced and, as is often the case when you get a nudge to reach out to someone, she knew this experience. She had a similar experience and was further ahead on the path. She suggested we find a time to “journey.” I wasn’t clear what that meant so I began researching “shamanic journey.". The next morning when I woke up, there was an invitation in my Inbox to a free online healing circle with Shamanic practitioner Sandra Ingerman and it was starting shortly.
What did I have to lose? I signed up and joined the online group through the link provided.
I had been meditating daily at this point but all that really happened in my meditation practice is that I would sit quietly, accept that my body felt awkward and uncomfortable, and observe random thoughts like “I wonder when blueberries will arrive at the Farmer’s Market” or “Has my ass always been this bony?” My mind would race with questions and judgements and I would, begrudgingly, accept it.
This is where I am.
A couple of times I had experienced what meditation teachers describe as “dropping in”... that beautiful place where the mind comes online (or offline?) and arrives at sharp awareness and nothingness. But that place is elusive when you have PTSD or C-PTSD. The mind is a bit busier and its job is to distract you.
Be patient with yourself.
I settled onto a cushion on the floor and listened to Sandra Ingerman’s guidance. She shared an invocation and asked participants to focus on the sound of her rattle and after some time, she began cuing the imagination on a journey to another world… the lower world. I mentally followed her there and had finally achieved a deeply relaxed state. My thoughts and emotions were not disrupting my peace and I reached a point of hyper awareness. That point. The switch flipped and suddenly, my mind was online, it was clear, silent, and calm. It was blissful. Then, very suddenly and clearly, as though a lucid dream (my eyes were closed) I saw a campfire in the emptiness of dark woods with stars overhead. I heard Ingerman’s guidance as if from the distance “What’s something you want to release to the fire?”
My fear, I thought.
“Give it over to the fire.”
I felt the fear in my body and exhaled it deeply into the fire, watching it send up sparks. Suddenly a huge tiger leaped from the flames, came nose-to-nose with me, then paced around, and climbed onto my back resting its head on mine. I sat in this meditation completely bewildered feeling at once the actual heaviness of an animal on my back, shoulders, and head, and also, realizing, I was meditating on the floor of the living room of my home. This animal, that seemed to be born in my imagination, somehow brought comfort and courage. It was so real and protective that I didn’t want to open my eyes because I didn’t want the experience to end. It was so real and yet, it was not. Was it a powerful symbol offered up from my subconscious? Was this a Spirit Animal? A Power Animal? A dream? Whatever it was, it was comforting and meditation suddenly became a tool to access magic.
Whatever this journey business was, I wanted more of it. So on February 9th, 2020, I had my first honest-to-goodness, authentic, in person journey with Rowynn. For an hour she created a magical space while I dropped back into that lower world for healing with Rabbit Medicine. She drummed over me and around me while I saw, in my mind's eye, all of my ancestors surrounding me in prayer. I saw images of healers dancing around me. Rowynn intuited Rabbit Medicine was at work here and before closing our session, she the following story aloud from the book Medicine Cards…
A long time ago – no one really knows how long ago it was – Rabbit was a brave and fearless warrior. Rabbit was befriended by Eye Walker, a witch. The witch and Rabbit spent much time together sharing and talking. The two were very close.
One day Eye Walker and Rabbit were walking along and they sat down on the trail to rest. Rabbit said, “I’m thirsty.” Eye Walker picked up a leaf, blew on it, and then handed Rabbit a gourd of water. Rabbit drank the water but didn’t say anything. Then Rabbit said, “I’m hungry.” Eye Walker picked up a stone and blew on it and changed it to a turnip. She gave the turnip to Rabbit to eat. Rabbit tasted it and then ate the turnip with relish. But still Rabbit didn’t say anything.
The two continued along the trail, which led into the mountains. Near the top, Rabbit tripped and fell and rolled almost to the bottom. Rabbit was in very sad condition when Eye Walker got to him. She used a magic salve on Rabbit to heal his great pain and mend his broken bones. Rabbit didn’t say anything.
Several days later Eye Walker went searching for her friend. She searched high and low but Rabbit was nowhere to be found.
Finally, Eye Walker gave up. She met Rabbit quite by accident one day. “Rabbit, why are you hiding and avoiding me?” the witch asked.
“Because I am afraid of you. I am afraid of your magic,” answered Rabbit, cowering. “Leave me alone!
“I see,” said Eye Walker. “I have used my magical powers on your behalf and now you turn on me and refuse my friendship.”
“I want nothing more to do with you or your powers,” Rabbit countered. Rabbit did not even see the tears his words were bringing to Eye Walker’s eyes. “I hope we never meet and that I never see you again,” Rabbit continued.
“Rabbit,” Eye Walker said, “We once were great friends and companions, but no more. It is within my power to destroy you, but because of the past and the medicines we have shared together I will not do this. But from this day forward I lay a curse on you and your tribe. From now on, you will call your fears and your fears will come to you. Be on your way, for the sweet medicines that bound us together as friends are broken.
Now Rabbit’s the Fear Caller. He goes out and shouts, “Eagle, I am so afraid of you.” If Eagle doesn’t hear him, Rabbit calls louder, “Eagle, stay away from me!” Eagle, now hearing Rabbit, comes and eats him. Rabbit calls bobcats, wolves, coyotes, and even snakes until they come.
*Source: Sams, Jamie and Carson, David. Medicine Cards (Santa Fe: Bear and Company, 1988).
And then I knew, I needed to stop giving Mitch my fear. He wanted me to be afraid. My fear made him feel powerful. I left Rowynn's magical space understanding my immediate work.
Taking the medicine of rabbit with a tiger on my back.
Comments