Starting to See Snakes

One of my strengths is that I can see the good in nearly everyone I meet. This quality is also my achilles' heel. Especially, once I am invested in a relationship and want to see the best in someone.

In her book A Woman's Worth (which I highly recommend reading), Marianne Williamson describes the process of recovering from 'attraction to dangerous men' with a parable... "When you're really ill, you don't even know a snake when you see one. Once recovery begins, you see a snake, you know it's a snake, but you still play with it. Once you've landed in the recovery zone, you know it's a snake, and cross to the other side of the road."

This is perhaps unfair to actual snakes but, you get the idea. The longest road in my own recovery has been the ability to see a monster, use caution with a monster, and block a monster.

I am still doing this work.

There is a cusp between not seeing the "snake" and "starting to see snakes" that happens during the discard phase of a relationship with a Narcissist. The discard is the most confusing thing I have ever experienced. While I was knee deep in it, I cycled through so many emotions. I felt it all. Betrayed, angry, sad, hurt, confused, scared, scared, fearful, worried, isolated, and finally, settled into depression. And I mean, real depression. I couldn't pull myself out of it. Once I stabilized and began to get clarity, I asked myself over and over again... Why didn't I see who he really is? Why did I stay? I don't know why I stayed in the relationship with Mitch as long as I did. Looking back, it was a complex soup of my better qualities and my own shadow that kept me in it and also, kept me from seeing or admitting the truth. I stayed because I am loyal, committed and believe that people are inherently good (he couldn't possibly be abusive on purpose). I stayed because the gas-lighting and fear-mongering had really skewed my sense of self and messed with my head. I questioned everything... especially my intuition or knowing what was best for me. Near the end of the relationship, I was really struggling with to make decisions of any kind, A designer by nature and trade, it took me months to select a rug for the new kitchen. I couldn't commit. I questioned my ability to make the right choice.

It's a goddamn rug Tracie.

Also, I was really fearful (see: Tiger and Rabbit), and spent a lot of time locked up in stress responses like flight/flight/fawn/freeze (mostly fawn/freeze) with a very dysregulated nervous system. I was in a mental fog, saving all of my thinking power and creativity for my work (this is also how my subconscious kept me from looking at the real issues too). I stayed because I was deeply invested and I'm not a quitter. I also stayed out of fear. Fear of Mitch and also, fear of judgement. I didn't want to be that woman with another failed relationship (this was a thought more about my own judgements than what anyone else thought). I stayed because for years I pretended everything was fine and I didn't think anyone would believe me when I told them how bad it was when no one looking. I stayed because, subconsciously, I believed I didn't deserve better. I unknowingly began to settle for the smallest breadcrumbs of affection and attention. And the unfortunate truth is this... because of the erosive effects of his abuse, I'm not sure I had the mental capacity or clarity to advocate for myself at the time or the self-confidence to leave on my own. As painful as it was, I'm so grateful for narcissistic discard.

Because, maybe I would have stayed until the day I died.

So, when did I finally reach acceptance and realize I was in an abusive relationship? Unfortunately, not soon enough. Of course, telling my doctor and my therapist's suggestion that I research the impacts of narcissistic abuse were major steps towards awareness. But there were a couple of incidents that definitely quickened both the discard and my clarity.

In Fall of 2019, I was at peak stress and exhaustion. I had spear-headed the prep and sale of our main home in August after a complete renovation, while managing the design and renovations of the home we were moving into, all while also managing the business, our employees, and the biggest creative project to date, a show that would open to thousands with a hard, inflexible deadline. I coordinated the sale of our primary home, I managed the move to our new home, packed our house up by myself, and made the deadline for the show with the help of an amazing crew. It was during this time, when I needed him most, that I began to see the worst of Mitch. Any time we were alone, he would berate me or create some kind of drama that would keep me from my work or prevent me from relaxing. His gaslighting was increasing and he would regularly provide instructions only to later say "I never said that." His rants and word salad dress-downs were becoming so confusing I began to record our conversations because I thought I was losing my mind. When I watch or listen to these recordings, I am saddened I couldn't see what was really happening at the time. I have a really good memory but he was regularly telling me my memory was shit and I don't remember things accurately. Of course, I started to believe him. He was also actively creating drama with employees by inserting me through triangulation. These psychological effects kept me in it too. I wasn't myself.

During the peak of my stress, on October 19th, Mitch informed me he was meeting with a divorce attorney. In my mind, I thought I just need to get through this show. Everything will settle down. In my journal, i wrote "It feels like I am being hunted sometimes." (October 5, 2020). We moved into separate bedrooms and agreed to stay there until we figured things out. We have only lived in the newly renovated house for two months.

During the install of the show in late October, my son and I were driving to the venue when his car began to have engine trouble. I was juggling so much and really needed Mitch to step up as a business partner. I sent him a text asking for help and he didn't answer. He later informed me, he was enjoying a float at the float spa. Our relationship had become so imbalanced and I felt like I was taking on more and more while he lived a life of leisure.

Contrary to what was happening in my personal life, the show was a huge success and I have never been more proud of an accomplishment. It was everything I envisioned and more. I was looking forward to my life settling down and hopefully, taking care of my health. It was around this time that Mitch informed me he intended to start an illegal weed growing operation in the storage area of our business with his best friend who was also his weed dealer. I don't think I have ever stared at anyone in disbelief as long as I did after he presented this idea. I had put so much love and energy into the business and there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I was getting behind this idea. And, also, is this really the kind of thing you tell someone after they tell you they want a divorce? It felt absolutely absurd on every level. Marijuana is Mitch's first love. A love that became much more clear after we were married. He had become a wake-n-bake, all day-most days, user. This harebrained scheme opened an even bigger chasm between us. Willingness to break the law and love of weed are not things we have in common. I rarely use anything to alter my mental state outside of coffee. Also, I'm a rule follower, so when he informed me he wanted to grow weed illegally in our very much legal and on-the-level business I put all of my heart into, I was a hard "No." He informed me this was his life's dream and that he previously had a grow room in the business that raked in nearly six figures in a year. He explained that this growing operation preceded me joining the company and that there has been a secret room in the storage loft this whole time. "It's so clever, no one knows it's there." This sounded preposterous. I thought for sure he was lying. I have spent so much time upstairs in that dusty, dimly lit loft, cleaning and organizing old projects, and I've never seen anything suspicious.

November and December were a blur but I managed to pull off hosting the holidays and did not mention the state of our relationship to anyone. I was just getting my bearings. In late December, Mitch was away and I was alone in the business so I went to the loft and searched for his hidden room. I began moving boxes when I reached a stack that seemed to be empty. I pulled them away from the wall and there was an opening to a room I had never seen before. A room filled with chemicals, pots, and buckets. An illegal grow room. I put the boxes back the way I found them and realized two things: One, I had no idea who I was married to. And two, I was married to someone comfortable operating in the shadows. With the help of my therapist, sleep, and a slowing work schedule, I was starting to see Mitch more clearly. And so, I made the conscious decision to let him lead the way. To accept I was in a discard and not fight it. The next time he threw a fit and threatened to leave... I would let him. And, it happened. Instead of trying to reason with him, I supported his wish.

"You need to do what's best for you."

We agreed I would stay in the house and he would stay at the studio until we reached a settlement. He packed up his clothes and left. Two weeks later, I offered him a bottom number settlement. I just wanted to be free. He declined and began to make everything a fight from that day forward.

In the weeks after he left, he attempted to enroll a group of "flying monkeys." He told our friends I threw him out (not true), wouldn't let him see the dog (text evidence this is not true), I wouldn't let him have a bed to sleep in or any bedding (also, texts demonstrating this is not true). He was creating a victim story to rob me of support. He was a villain masquerading as the abused.

I said nothing. Only my family and best friend knew what I was going through.

During the months of February and March, I began to get the 10,000' view. I learned I wasn't the only person Mitch had abused psychologically or financially. I began to understand all of the ways he used me for gain. When I had my first consultation with an attorney, he informed me my name was on the tax bill for the house, and the mortgage, but not the deed. My name was not on my car title. My name was not on anything except the joint account where we had put the proceeds from the sale of our house in August. My attorney said, "When you leave here, go to the bank and withdraw half of that money. If you don't, he's going to move it all and you'll have nothing."

I stopped at the bank but I couldn't do it. I was terrified for some reason. Terrified of what would happen when Mitch found out. I left the bank. Sat in my car, began to cry and then heard my inner voice say, "Have courage." And I thought of that tiger. I went back into the bank and withdrew exactly half of the money. Then, I notified Mitch and he was furious. In my experience, there are two things that matter to him, weed and having control over everything. Especially money, me, and possessions. But I did it. I did the thing I was afraid of and if I hadn't, I would never have seen a cent of that money that I had contributed to earning and I would not have been able to then give all of that money to the attorney that spent two years helping me extract Mitch from my life. By late March 2020, I was finally starting to see a snake.

Journal Entry March 28, 2020 Mitch wants to talk today. And even though the pandemic, social distancing, worry for my son has been ever present these past two weeks, nothing causes me more anxiety like having to speak to Mitch over matters of fairness. Calm, fair, peaceful, loving, kindness - are not expressions he is familiar with especially when he feels his money is threatened. I am going to need every tool in the toolbox to create a good outcome. I've been less afraid of him as days pass and I feel more like the girl I was before meeting him. In some ways though, I am braver, more confident, wise, better understand my own needs and more fearless. Today I will find out if I can maintain these qualities if faced with threats, bullying, anger or gaslighting. I just want to divorce but he refuses to move forward. He doesn't want to release me.

Journal Entry March 29, 2020

For over a week, Mitch has asked to have a "kind" conversation. This is baffling since he is always angry. His projections are more obvious to me and less apparent to him. I really don't want him in my personal space so I agreed to talk but specified my preference is via text, email or voice phone call. I was hoping to discuss our wishes and glean from him if he wanted to live in this house, sell it, or allow me to but it with settlement money towards equity - but what he wanted to know if "Can you tell me where the [office] lamp and [former business partner's] paintings went? He is referring to the four small encaustic portraits I used to have over my desk and a lamp given to us by a friend. No idea what he did with the lamp. I found the four small paintings when I was cleaning out the mold storage area. They belonged to Mitch's former business partner who had painted them. When I found them, Mitch saw me cleaning them up and told me to "throw those away." I said, "No, I love them." So, it's fascinating he wants these now. I guess he will want everything I love. This question unnerved me. I replied "I'm not a thief." The interaction shifted my energy. I told him I didn't know where he put the lamp and that those four small paintings are with me - I will return them to the studio.

I could feel the conversation was never going to be in a space of goodwill. He was looking for petty conflict. He wanted something he didn't want just to inflict some unhappiness on me. He revealed a new level of pettiness."

What makes us unlikely to see snakes? For me, being raised by a Cluster B parent (my Father) in an unhealthy environment where his needs came before our own... subconsciously made a dangerous man feel like an energetic home. Also, lacking esteem and having unidentified subconscious beliefs around "not good enough" or worthiness contributed (see my earlier post on Why Me? here."