Until you have experienced a relationship with an untreated, unmedicated Cluster B disordered person, you cannot fully appreciate the impacts. I plan to share my experience as the child of a suspected Cluster B, untreated, unmedicated parent and my experience with intimate partner abuse (also suspected Cluster B). This type of abuse is very challenging to heal and takes time. I'm still learning, or should I say, unlearning.
First off, I am sharing from my personal experience and I am not a therapist. There is no substitute for professional medical and therapeutic advice. In past posts I have touched on some of the ways I found help and encourage you to visit those posts or reach out to the thehotline.org for help 24/7. Tell someone. Find support.
Also, I highly recommend familiarizing yourself with manipulative red flags to understand or evaluate your own experience. Jackson McKenzie, author of Psychopath Free, provides a comprehensive list which also serves as an inventory of types of manipulation tactics, here:
I suspect my Father had an undiagnosed Cluster B disorder, likely Borderline Personality Disorder. It can be extremely difficult to obtain a Cluster B diagnosis, which includes Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic and Antisocial Personality Disorders. Cluster B disorders involve unpredictable, dramatic, or intensely emotional responses to people, places, situations and things. Disordered people often lack the ability to self-reflect, lack empathy or exhibit an inability to take personal responsibility for their behavior and actions which makes it less likely they will seek or engage in therapy. According to Psychology Today, "Cluster B disorders are taxonomically grouped together by the DSM-V because a single, clear-cut diagnosis is very rare, and patients often exhibit a number of overlapping symptoms. For example, someone with borderline tendencies (such as intense mood swings) may present with histrionic symptom overlap (for example, behaving erratically to garner attention). Similarly, someone who exhibits signs of both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder is sometimes referred to as a “malignant narcissist.”
People who have a parent, sibling, friend or partner with a Cluster B disorder have likely experienced the methods a disordered person employs to have their needs met or establish and maintain perceived control. There is overlap between these disorders and some common stages of abuse in relationships may be:
Idealization ("Love Bombing") according to Narcissistic Abuse Rehab this is the stage when the disordered person "meticulously weaves a deceitful web to ensnare their unsuspecting prey. The victim is lavished with attention, charm, and performative devotion. They are beguiled by a symphony of compliments and promises. The perpetrator uses a tactic called future faking to paint an idyllic picture of a secure and ideal union. The victim is seduced and placed on a high pedestal where they are touted as the center of the perpetrator’s universe. The victim feels seen, heard, and treasured. Their dreams are seemingly fulfilled."
Control - According to Dan Neuharth Ph.D., MFT, in his article for Psychology Today, there are many methods used to gain control, flattering, shaming, projecting, telling you your reality (gas lighting), minimizing, going nuclear, and shaming. I have read others suggest affection and sex are used to create biological addiction, thereby control. Melanie Tonia Evans shares her thoughts in "How a Narcissist Uses Sex as a Weapon."
Absorption or Enmeshment - In a post on Quora, Jason H.., a psychiatric nurse, provides this overview "It’s a type of interpersonal emotional entanglement most often seen in narcissistically abusive relationships and among those, most commonly seen between a narcissistic parent and their child. In a romantic relationship, from the perspective of the one being victimized, it is marked by all of the things you would expect to see—codependency, fear of abandonment, a constant need for validation and approval from your abuser, extremely flimsy boundaries, and a prioritization of their needs over your own. According to Prajinta Pesqueda, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Collaborators (Medium), "New research suggests that in NPD relationships, the NPD disordered person entrains their partner, whose brain will synchronize with it. This pattern becomes more established the longer the couple interacts"
Neediness (Borderline) -" This stage is where the tone of the relationship begins to shift to more dysfunctional tendencies. The BPD sufferer may start to become irritable and nit-pick over anything they perceive as negative behaviour aimed at them. This also marks the beginning of the neediness phase and fear of abandonment. If their partner doesn’t immediately respond to calls and texts, the low self-esteem of the borderline may convince them they aren’t loved."
Withdrawing and Withholding (Borderline) From this stage in the relationship, the borderline might start the process of withdrawing and withholding. This is a strategy intended to get their partner to invest more heavily in their emotional needs if they aren’t being met to the standards they expect. They can instigate ‘arguments’ to get their partner to fight for the relationship and in effect fight for them. This is all in an effort to help the borderline to feel more regulated and secure in themselves.
Exploitation - a disordered person most often exploits and uses qualities like love, compassion and empathy for their own needs and sometimes this is a tactic used in the control, devaluation and discard stage. This exploitation can be financial, social - exploiting status, connections, relationships, or sexual. Cluster B disordered people aren't capable of seeing your value but they are capable of seeing a use for you. Many disordered people are victims in their own stories, (i.e., every ex is crazy, and every boss was an asshole). In the telling of these stories, they are activiating and exploiting your empathy to develop an emotional connection. Disordered people not only exploit your best traits and assets, they will exploit your fears, shame, and trust, using things you told them in confidence to hurt you. For instance, they might allign with someone who hurt you in the past or ridicule you for your a fear or condition. In her article How the Narcissist Exploits the Empath's Core Wound, Dr. Eva Melanowski shares her experience with exploitation of her own empathy and wounding.
Devaluation - According to Narcisstic Abuse Rehab, "The devaluation phase of narcissistic abuse plunges the victim into a distressing abyss of emotional turmoil. Once the perpetrator’s idealized facade crumbles, a stark transformation occurs, revealing a cruel and calculating nature. In this phase, the abuser systematically erodes the victim’s self-esteem, belittling their achievements, criticizing their every move, and inflicting psychological wounds. Insults, gaslighting, and constant put-downs become weapons used to undermine the victim’s sense of self-worth. The devaluation phase seeks to diminish the victim’s confidence, leaving them bewildered, shattered, and questioning their own sanity. It is a calculated assault on their identity, leaving them vulnerable and primed for further manipulation. This is the phase when intermittent reinforcement is used to condition the victim to accept abuse and foster trauma bonds. The perpetrator is hot and cold with the victim. They withdraw the validation, approval, and rapport that characterized the idealization phase. Instead, there is criticism, invalidation, put downs, and anxiety. The victim becomes increasingly anxious and distressed. They find themselves walking on eggshells, ever frightened of triggering the perpetrator and desperate to appease them."
Discard - According to Sanjana Gupta, How to Identify and Escape a Narcissitic Abuse Cycle,"A narcissist discard is when a person with narcissistic tendencies ends their relationship with you. It can often feel like you’ve been used and discarded. What causes a narcissist to discard you? According to a 2017 study, people with narcissistic personality disorder often have trouble maintaining long-term relationships. They tend to use people to prop up their sense of self, often due to a deficiency of parental affection in childhood. They think of others as objects to discard when they’re no longer useful.
Dr. Daramus lists some reasons why a person with narcissistic tendencies might discard you:
You were too difficult for them to control
You were easily manipulated by them, causing them to look down upon you
You no longer fuel their ego, so they’ve moved on to someone else who can supply what they need
You may not be able to help them any further with their life goals, so they’ve found someone who can
They feel that they can "level up" and move on to someone "better," in some dysfunctional way"
Repitiation or Hoovering - The abuser will realize they have a use for you or went too far and pull you back in for supply. According to Sanjana Gupta, How to Identify and Escape a Narcissitic Abuse Cycle, "The devaluation stage can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, confused, and scared of losing your relationship with the narcissist. You might either try harder to please them or pull away from them to protect yourself. The narcissist will feel hurt and enraged at your attempts to distance yourself from them.
Then, the cycle of idealization and devaluation will start all over again. They will suddenly behave extremely nicely toward you, shower you with compliments, and make you feel valued again. However, as soon as you start to feel secure in the relationship, they will start to devalue you once more."
If you are raised by a parent with one of these disorders, you are more likely to attract a relationship with someone with one of these disorders. I have my opinions on why that is, and so does science. The science suggests we are perfectly conditioned to tend to the needs of someone with these disorders becuase the inconsistancy is familiar to us and our deep need to be seen and loved is exploited during the "love bombing" or idealizaiton phase. On my spitirual journey, I believe I have been given the opportunity to heal my childhood experience through my exposure to these personality types. It was my own seeking and therapy that helped me idetify the wound so I could stop attracting from it. People who experience trauma are prone to repeating it and the work of Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, was expremely helpful in my own understanding.
According to psychotherapist Glynis Sherwood, MEd, people living with the impacts of "Cluster B personality disordered adults suffer from the effects of chronic relationship instability caused by their partner, such as emotional or behavioral inconsisistenc blame shiting, gaslighting, rejection, destructive behavior, constant conflict, irresponsibility, unreliability, fear, anger, paranoia, and, in some cases, violence."
The tactics Cluster B types use to have their needs met can be very subtle and confusing.
An excerpt from the book "Whole Again" by Jackson McKenzie (p.39-42)
People coming out of cluster-B relationships (with sociopaths, narcissists, borderline or histrionic personalities) carry a misery about them that no one else seems to understand. The standard breakup advice of "time heals all wounds" or "just get over it" doesn't seem to apply. Instead, it's like they've been disconnected from the things that make life worth living. Their natural joy and love has disappeared, replaced by constant anxiety and self-doubt.These relationships start out better than anything you'reever experienced. The disordered individual seems to love and need you more than any partner you've known. They latch on, mimicking your hopes and dreams, even mirroring your vocal and texting mannerisms. Of course, you don't know this is happening, because you don't know what cluster-B disorders are (yet). You're just freely falling in love, grateful to have found this amazing "soul mate."But inevitably, things take a turn for the worse. This person becomes controlling, manipulative, critical, dismissive, and unfaithful. They do hurtful things and then blame you for reacting. You desperately keep trying to re-create the original perfect dynamic, wondering where in the world that person went. You are punished with the silent treatment and other painful behaviors. Every time you're feeling ready to leave, your partner swoops back in with promises that remind you of the person they used to be.In relationships with borderlines, you find they're having a new crisis or meltdown on a near-regular basis. Every time you thought you solved one issue, they have a different one. You used to feel special for helping them, but now it seems they're just using you as a sounding board for their never-ending problems. And their problems seem to have such trivial, simple solutions. But they reject and ignore these solutions, almost as if they prefer being victims of a stressful and dramatic life. You were taught to validate and sympathize, but this often seems to enable unhealthy and impulsive decisions in your partner. For example, they may come home sobbing and ranting about their abusive boss or their slavelike work conditions. You know these are massive exaggerations, and if you validate them, then your partner may use it as ammo to quit their job.In relationships with narcissists and sociopaths, their initial obsession with you starts to dwindle and you find they're waving other people in your face. Nothing you seem to do is good enough for them, and they're constantly seeking attention and adoration from anyone who will give it to them. This causes you to become more frantic and unstable as you desperately try to restore your "perfect" relationship.Eventually, things end badly. They cheat on you and replace you with someone else in a matter of weeks, showering someone new with all of the attention they originally gave you. Or you leave them, so they stalk and harass you to give themselves some sense of power over you.Either way, your body and mind are in shock. You have no idea what just happened. You went from a euphoric high to a devastating low, wondering if you've lost the best thing that ever happened to you, despite knowing that this person mistreated you constantly.These experiences create a great deal of cognitive dissonance, which is what typically inspires you to start searching for answers and validation. Once you come across the description of cluster-B personality disorders, suddenly everything clicks. There are words and patterns to describe the chaos you just experienced. You share your story, read experiences from others, and finally have some understanding of what happened.But the problem is, none of this seems to actually make you feel whole again. You find yourself wondering what happened to your "old self": the cheerful, loving person who laughed and smiled with others. Instead, you feel disconnected, anxious, and on edge. You obsess and ruminate about every little detail of the relationship. Time doesn't heal all wounds, and instead you find yourself feeling more isolated and detached from the world around you.Feeling that your original identity was broken by this encounter, you may be trying to rebuild it from scratch. Taking personality quizzes, learning about empaths and "highly sensitive people," taking pride in your ability to sense emotions in others--these things may sound good because they are the "opposite" of a narcissist, but they're actually quite unhealthy for you and others. We are not meant to be hyperaware of the moods of people around us.This makes it extremely difficult to enjoy anyone's company, when we're always on the lookout for shifts in their feelings. This is a coping mechanism we learned so that we could prevent or predict certain outcomes from the disordered individual: rejection, silence, and anger. The problem with healthy relationships is that our sensors can be incorrect. We're not meant to spend our time obsessing over what everyone else is thinking or feeling. All of this external focus makes it hard to figure out what's going on inside ourselves.No matter how hard you might work to rebuild yourself after a cluster-B relationship, your new identity likely feels shaky. Something still feels wrong. Something inside of you feels broken, and you don't know how to repair it.
Here are are links to each of the disorders and their symptoms:
I will be sharing some of the subtle and erosive forms of abuse I experienced and healed (or am healing from) in future posts. If you would like to receive notice of new posts in your inbox, be sure to subscribe on the homepage.
Personality disorders can be treated but there are no cures. Treatment requires active particiapation and committment from the patient. The prognosis should be considered when making decisions about your quality of life.
xoxo
Tracie
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