I recently took a pause in my writing as I worked through a couple of big things that came up for me... while writing. It's a good reminder that even though I am sharing my own journey, my work is never done. I am constantly weeding this peaceful garden I have sown and making self-care a priority.
Today, I woke up thinking about the "Why me?" phase of my recovery.
In the months that followed my narcissistic discard, I was left with a lot of pieces to sort through. I was facing the toughest healing journey of my life with rock-bottom self-esteem amidst the disorienting fog and confusion only someone who has experienced psychological abuse can truly understand. I was very hard on myself for getting scammed and not seeing the truth of who my partner was or following my original intuition something isn't right here. At times, I thought I deserved to lose everything to a master manipulator because I denied my intuition and told myself I wasn't smart enough or clever enough to see the game he was playing. But, why would I see the game? It would never occur to me that my partner wasn't who he claimed to be. It would never occur to me that behind the scenes he was actively sabotaging my life. The question I asked myself repeatedly was "Why?" This is a complex question to answer. Through therapy, my spiritual exploration, and better understanding of my empathic nature, I recognize the energetic dance of the narcissitst and the empath. I recognize how the wounding of my early childhood attracted this experience. And I also better understand that this didn't happen to me because I am bad, wrong, stupid, or undeserving of love. It happened because I have really great qualities. Qualities that psychopaths seek out.
Monica Yearwood, a relationship coach for women and a refreshing voice in toxic relationship recovery, shared a video on June 7th which points to the exceptional "traits of women who get into narcissistic relationships." The traits* are...
Extraversion and excitement seeking
High relationship investment personally and professionally.
High agreeableness
Hyper empathy
Loyal
High tolerance for differing view points
Trustworthy
Ambitious
Humility
Wired for relationships/strong bonding
Peacemaker
Cooperative
Desire to help
Straightforward
Well-tempered
Resourceful
Goal directed
*Sources:
Douglas B. Samuel, Deparmtnet of Psychological Sciences, Purdue University
Sandra L. Brown, MA and Jennifer Young, Brown, S.L. & Young, J.R. (2018) Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationship of Invevitiable Harm With Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Psychopaths, Mask Publishing
It is a myth that we end up in abusive relationships because we are weak. It is a myth that we stay in abusive relationships because we are co-dependent or, again, weak. We have strength of character. We are trusting, empathic, loving, humble, peaceful and "in it to win it" types. We're people who commit, remain loyal to those we love, and go the distance. It is our greatest qualities that attract those who exploit them. I got a clear picture of toxic masculinity and to better understand what healthy masculine looks like, I explored the work of Robert Bly, Carl Jung, more recently John Wineland (From the Core), and returned to David Deida, author and spiritual thought leader in sexual polarity. In his book Intimate Communion, Deida explains the reason feminine identifying partners stay in toxic relationships, "If the feminine couples with an abusive partner, she often has difficulty directing herself out and away but instead opens and suffers, closes down, and then opens again. Without being balanced by the masculine forces of guidance and directionality, the extreme feminine force cycles through good times and bad hoping it will work out. Alternately, loving and suffering, being hurt and then giving it one more chance and another." The feminine is hopeful, enduring, loyal, and perseveres. Further complicating the dynamics of a toxic relationship are socio-economic factors and societal conditioning and intitiation into female and masculine roles. One of the most profound books I have read on this subject is Carol Gilligan's In a Human Voice. I highly recommend her small but mighty, thought-provoking work.
While these resources may have resonated with me, every relationship is a unique recipe made possible by every experience you had prior to meeting a partner. My own experience with a narcissist was made possible by a volatile father who taught me to exchange my needs, feelings and voice for safety. I hope in sharing this you can self-reflect on the amazing qualities you possess that attracted someone who has no access to them. Then, begin a self-gratitude practice for all of the ways you get to walk around this world giving and receiving love, extending genuine care for others, and making a positive impact in the world with your gifts.
Shine your light. The world needs more people like you.
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