You can't heal anything unless you're here. So the first step towards healing from trauma or abuse is making the choice to be here.
Stay here.
Please.
If you are having thoughts of self-harm, reach out to someone you trust, a healthcare provider, a friend, call or text the Suicide and Mental Health Crisis Lifeline at #9-8-8. There's a chat feature on their site as well.
I have struggled with dark, despairing thoughts twice in my adult life. During those periods, once in the throes of PTSD after my traumatic near-death experience and later post-narcissistic discard, the anguish I experienced exceeded the skills and willpower I had to cope. So, before I could heal, I had to first stabilize to survive. I had to admit I couldn't manage on my own.
I reached out to my primary physician both times. These experiences for me were 20 years apart but both had a common denominator. I couldn't pull myself up from the feeling of rock bottom. As my Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) would later say, "You can't do the work until you stabilize." When the mind is occupied with pervasive troubling thoughts, it is difficult or almost impossible to achieve peace. I treated the panic and depression of PTSD with traditional pharmaceuticals so that I could get a reprieve from my mind then... do the work.
Up to that point in my life, I had only experienced talk therapy/psychotherapy. CBT is very action oriented. If you're a doer, it's a therapy you should consider. My therapist was pretty confident I would find relief in 12 sessions but advised that about halfway through, it would get really tough, and I would want to quit. When that happened, that I cancelled and appointment or didn't schedule, he would call me and remind me of my commitment. Around my 5th session, I cancelled an appointment because it was getting hard. He called me and said, "Tracie, remember when I told you it would get hard, and you would quit, but I would call you? It's time to schedule your next appointment." I did. I kept going. And it was hard. But during my 11th appointment, I remembered everything my mind had locked away about that day. And like a miracle, my panic attacks stopped. I could breathe. I could sleep. I had the tools to relax my heart and respiration on the few occasions I needed to. Most importantly, the pervasive thoughts, fear, anxiety and hypervigilance that caused me to feel helpless dissolved. I still avoided hospitals for many years but this diminished with time. CBT was one of the best investments I ever made. There are now apps for this, group sessions and the workbook I completed during these sessions is easy to find (though, I don't recommend working through trauma without a professional). If you want to check out the workbook, it's Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine. I also highly recommend The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It's important to understand how the mind works post trauma, whether that trauma is a one-time event or over time (such as the Complex-PTSD that results from abusive relationships for example). It is possible to recognize the brains self-preservation programming and find peace again.
One of the lessons I learned during that time was to reframe my thoughts through a hopeful or persevering lens. For instance, if I find myself thinking "I can't fix this." I replace that with the counterthought "What if I can?" "I can't do this" becomes "What if I can?" and "I'm alone" becomes "What if I don't have to be?" This creates a shift from limiting thoughts to possibility.
If you are struggling. Please create a pause. Please stay.
What if you can?
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