*Warning/Disclaimer* this post contains triggering content. Experiences shared include child abuse, domestic violence, bullying, sexual abuse and assault, intimate partner violence, gun violence, cancer, infertility, pregnancy loss, dying, near death experience (NDE), narcissistic abuse including psychological, financial, and verbal, cheating partners, the impacts of living with the untreated mental illness of a loved one.
Curriculum Vitae (Latin) translates to "Course of Life" (English). Typically, a Curriculum Vitae is used to apply for a position. It's an inventory of experiences. I want to convey to you what brought me to healing work. It wasn't the desire to fix people. It was the one and only thing in my life I have been consistently doing since birth.
Healing.
Myself.
I am not completely healed. I am human. I am flawed, vulnerable, and learning. I am also an empath with a deep desire to reach my hand back to anyone on the path behind me. Just as others did for me. Healing myself is healing others. Healing others is healing myself.
Healing Tracie came to me intuitively when I was studying in India. It honors the healers who have healed me and my transformation into the healer. It reflects the past, present and future of the healing process, which isn't linear. I'm glad you found this space or it found you.
Others have survived far worse experiences than my own. However, this is my journey and my story. If sharing helps anyone else feel less alone in this world, more empowered, or hopeful, my mission is accomplished.
CURRICULUM VITAE
Child Abuse and Domestic Violence
My earliest memory is my Father's first attempt to strangle me around age 2. For 18 years, my Father abused my Mother and me. I witnessed his attempts to kill her on multiple occasions and was the target of his rage and beatings though I was a small fraction of his size and might. His last attempt to strangle me, at age 22, was witnessed and contributed to my decision to estrange from him. My Father was mentally ill but undiagnosed and untreated. He was a womanizer with drug and alcohol problems and we rarely saw him but he was always in church with us on Sunday mornings. When he was home, he was unpredictable and violent. I learned to become invisible and silent to stay off his radar. I can't think of any moment he expressed affection or love. I began healing work on this relationship when I estranged from him in my 20s with traditional talk therapy and continued into my 30s with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) but it wasn't until recently that I found deeper roots with Jungian shadow work and Inner Child Healing and was able to recognize the long running programming and pattern at work in my life like putting the needs of my partner ahead of my own, moving boundaries around my own needs and self-respect, forgiving abuse and womanizing thereby allowing it to continue. (*special note here: I was in a 22 year relationship - married 20 - to a really great human who never raised his voice, harmed me, or cheated. The safety I experienced in that relationship allowed me to begin my healing journey). Molestation I was first molested around age three by a babysitter's teenage son. Several years later, I was molested by the teenage son of my new babysitter. Then by an employee at my elementary school. Bullying Experiencing bullying at a young age reinforced feeling unsafe. I was unsafe in my home and I was unsafe in my school. This contributed to feelings of "otherness" and isolation. But later, I would recognize the strengths born out of this experience. I have since reframed some of the more traumatic experiences as character building because in those moments, one of my strong suits was born. I was determined to do my best to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. I developed a strong sense of right and wrong, fairness and passion for social justice.
Rape
At the age of 17, I was drugged and raped by a man known to me. The shame I felt wouldn't be fully addressed until I was in my 30s and began to have flashbacks and memories resurface during Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Reclamation through embodiment practices, Reiki, and yoga have been supportive.
Reproductive Problems, Cervical Cancer, Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss In my late teens I began to have reproductive problems such as irregular bleeding. Over the course of 15 years, I suffered from ovarian cysts, tumors, miscarriage/pregnancy loss (4), and clear cell adeno-carcinoma in-situ (correlated to DES exposure). I had a half dozen reproductive surgeries during this time but it wasn't until I began mind-body work that I understood my resentment towards these biological parts of me. The energy of shame, fear, and powerlessness in my womb. The resentment of being a woman. I found great relief with visualization exercises, shamanic journey, embodiment and self-awareness. Near Death Experience
In 2001, I was 5 months pregnant and developed a uterine infection due to placenta previa. My condition deteriorated rapidly, and I experienced septic shock causing cardiac arrest, pulmonary effusion, and disseminated intervascular coagulation. I flat lined, died, and woke up on life support 11 days later. I remember everything during this event... the suffering, the dying, the other side. After a long recovery that included being diagnosed and treated for PTSD and working with a neurologist to recover short-term memory function, I began to reclaim the magic of life and my spirituality. Healing the trauma of this event created the space for me to heal many traumas in my life. My therapist introduced to mindfulness practices and Peter Levine's groundbreaking work in trauma. Thyroid Disease and Cancer, Again
In 2002 I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease, an autoimmune disease in which the body attacks the thyroid gland. Around that same time, I discovered a small lump deep in my skin, over my solar plexus. The lump continued to grow, albeit slowly, but my dermatologist was unconcerned. In 2004, the mass grew and I asked my treating physician to request a biopsy. Within a week, I was facing my second cancer diagnosis. A slow-growing sarcoma. I had a very painful surgery and recovery and the mass that started out the size of a marble claimed an area the size of half a cantaloupe. This was the diagnosis and healing that caused me to make the greatest realization of all. Each of my medical conditions correlated to energy blockages or stored trauma in eastern medicine (the chakras). I began to research chakras, nadis, meridians, and had my first experiences with Traditional Chinese Medicine practices like acupuncture, cupping and massage. I began to explore Ayurvedic medicine. This exploration lead me to health and wellness.
The Collapse of My Marriage
When my 22 year relationship ended it wasn't for a lack of trying. We spent two years trying to keep it together. Until we couldn't. But when we threw in the towel, I made a series of horrible decisions from dating too soon to committing too soon. At my core, I felt like a failure and lost without my partner... my role. My place. I never planned to be a single Mother or divorced. This feeling of failure I felt was an older wound. It was my Father wound. And over the next ten years, through partners, I would be forced to heal it. (Suspected) Narcissistic Abuse
The "not good enough" wound in me, the wound of the unseen, unworthy, undeserving, fell for a charming, fun, exciting, love-bombing solution to my problems. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, in my life was more difficult to recognize or heal from than narcissistic abuse. It is a very slow and erosive form of abuse that left me questioning everything I thought I knew and left me a shell of the person I was. I lost my sense of reality because of the constant gas-lighting, my sense of worth due to the constant criticism, and my sense of safety due to constant threats, anger, and agitation. I reached a point where I felt completely isolated and alone. I no longer wanted to live. At my annual wellness exam with my doctor he asked, "How are things?" I began to cry. I told him I really didn't want to be here anymore. I said the words "I think I'm in an abusive relationship." Within a week I had an appointment with a CBT therapist and after a series of sessions, he invited me to research the impacts of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic abuse. That was when I started to wake up. It took a doctor, a therapist, two social workers, an attorney, the validation of other victims, friends, family and my savings to leave the relationship. These were the darkest years of my life but the healing I found after ending this relationship propelled me into the light. I spent
ten months alone with my dog in near silence. No television or radio. I spent my time inward. I began a daily practice which included journaling, yoga, meditation, reading, creating, sharing and praying. I'd like to say that was the last time I attracted an experience from my wound but it wasn't until I was in deep study in India that I finally recognized the wound I have carried my whole life. I healed from the abuse, yes. But I never addressed the original programming in my subconscious that highjacked the whole operation. I took a deep dive into shadow and inner child work and explored every opportunity available to me... sound healing, massage, marma therapy, Ayurveda, and other styles of yoga, which lead me to Kundalini Tantra. You know what else I found in India? My voice. My ability to say "Fuck off" and reject energy not aligned with my own. I found my anger. I found my freedom. And I want you to have yours too. A little more about me... My capacity for joy and love is great. I have light, optimism, and hopefulness that is hard to extinguish and there has been no greater joy in life than being a Mother and Aunt. I have had the good fortune of experiencing love and being loved well. I had incredible role models and safe spaces as a child that allow me to orient. My wealth is in my relationships.
I plan to share more of these experiences in depth so subscribe on the home page if you'd like to receive notice of new content in your inbox. If you found this site because you are struggling, it is my deepest wish that you too can reconnect with self-love, gratitude and joy, so you can reach your highest potential.
Love,
Tracie
I love you